Women, H. L. Mencken

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married, too.

- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Education, Albert Camus

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

- Albert Camus (1913-1960)

A Blonde and a cell phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She was all excited, she loved her phone. He showed her and explained to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde went shopping. Her phone rang and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he said "how do you like your new phone?"

She replied "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asked the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"

Two friends

Two friends meet on a Miami street. One looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That's not bad."

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket , and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

"Sounds like you should be grateful."

"Last week my great aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

"Then how come you look so glum?"

"This week........ nothing!"

Rachel Weisz as Evelyn "Evie" Carnahan O'Connell from The Mummy (1999 film)

Rick: (plonking his backpack in front of Evie, who is startled) Sorry. Didn't mean to scare ya.
Evie: The only thing that scares me, Mr. O'Connell, are your manners.
Rick: Ahh, still angry about that kiss?
Evie: If you call that a kiss.

- Rachel Weisz as Evelyn "Evie" Carnahan O'Connell from The Mummy (1999 film)

Joke, Groucho Marx as Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush from A Day at the Races (1937)

Flo Marlowe: Oh, hold me closer! Closer! Closer! Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush: If I hold you any closer, I’ll be in back of you!

- Groucho Marx as Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush from A Day at the Races (1937)

Joke, Groucho Marx as Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff from Horse Feathers (1932)

Baravelli: There's a man outside with a big black moustache. Professor Wagstaff: Tell him I've got one.

- Groucho Marx as Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff from Horse Feathers (1932)

Joke, Groucho Marx as Captain Spaulding from Animal Crackers (1930)

Spaulding: How much would you want to run into an open manhole? Ravelli: Just-a the cover charge! Ha, ha, ha. Spaulding: Well, drop in some time.

- Groucho Marx as Capt. Geoffrey T. Spaulding from Animal Crackers (1930)

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Communication, the President of Earth from Barbarella (1968)

President: One day, Barbarella, we must meet in the flesh.

- Claude Dauphin as President Dianthus of Earth from Barbarella (1968)

Reading, Selena Gomez as Alex Russo from Wizards of Waverly Place

Harper: Everyone knows those books. How could you not know about them? They're about wizards, like you guys.
Alex: Here's how. I don't read.
Justin: Not even menus. She points at the pictures.

- Selena Gomez as Alex Russo from Wizards of Waverly Place, 2.11 Make It Happen (2008/2009)

Job, Sally Brown

(why she wants to be a nurse:) I like white shoes. (15 Jun 68)

- Sally Brown

Humor, Terry Cohen

He who laughs last is generally the last to get the joke.

- Terry Cohen

U.K., Colvin R. de Silva

(The sun never sets on the British Empire.) That's because God does not trust the British in the dark.

- Colvin R. de Silva (1907–1987)

U.K., Unknown history student

The sun never sets on the British empire because Britain is in the east and the sun sets in the west.

- Unknown history student

TV, Woody Allen as Alvy Singer from Annie Hall (1977)

[In California]
Annie Hall: It's so clean out here.
Alvy Singer: That's because they don't throw their garbage away, they turn it into television shows.

- Woody Allen as Alvy Singer from Annie Hall (1977)

Humor, John Kenneth Galbraith

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

- John Kenneth Galbraith (1908-2006)

Duh..., Homer Simpson

Homer: My name's Homer Simpson, I'd like to sign up for something.
Mrs. Blumenstein: Well, we have an opening on the debate team.
Homer: Debate, like, arguing?
Mrs. Blumenstein: Yes.
Homer: I'll take THAT, you DINGPOT! Just warming up, Mrs. Blumenstein.
Mrs. Blumenstein: This year's topic is "Resolved: The national speed limit should be lowered to 55 miles per hour."
Homer: 55? That's ridiculous! Sure, it'll save a few lives, but millions will be late!

- Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, [2.12] The Way We Was

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http://simpsonswiki.net/wiki/The_Way_We_Was/Quotes