A Norwegian was about to be a father for the first time.
This was during the soccer World Cup.
His friend visited him and asked him, what if your wife is having the baby the same day we play Brazil in the quarter final?
The guy said, don`t worry, I just bought a VCR, I can watch the birth after the game!
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Saturday, December 12, 2015
[Humor] A young boy and a motorcycle
A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss the possibility of buying a motorcycle.
His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the motorcycle."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed.
After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the motorcycle. Again they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed seeing as you haven't got your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus Himself had long hair."
To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"
Thursday, December 10, 2015
[Humor] A little boy
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.
A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
[Humor] Something that I didn't do
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
Monday, October 19, 2015
[Humor] A little boy and God
One day a little boy asks his mom questions about God.
He goes up to his mother and asks, "Mom, is God boy or girl?"
Not really know what to say the mother just says, "Well, son, he's boy and girl."
So he asks his mother, "Mom, is God black or white?"
Again not really knowing what to say, the mother tells her son, "Well, son, he's black and white."
So the little boy looks at his mother as though he finally understands and says, "Ohhhh, I didn't know that God was Michael Jackson!"
He goes up to his mother and asks, "Mom, is God boy or girl?"
Not really know what to say the mother just says, "Well, son, he's boy and girl."
So he asks his mother, "Mom, is God black or white?"
Again not really knowing what to say, the mother tells her son, "Well, son, he's black and white."
So the little boy looks at his mother as though he finally understands and says, "Ohhhh, I didn't know that God was Michael Jackson!"
Monday, September 21, 2015
A wise old gentleman
A wise old gentleman
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A freaking' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A freaking' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
[Humor] Creditor
Creditor
An American couple is flying to New Zealand for a two-week vacation to celebrate their anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I have very bad news. Our engines have ceased to function and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an island below us we should be able to land on the beach. However, we may never be rescued.” Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely. An hour later, the man turns to his wife and asks, “Did we pay our credit cards?” “No, I forgot to do that.” Then the man grabs her and gives her a big kiss. “They’ll find us!”
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
[Humor] Atheist
Atheist
One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “The man I dated today proposed to me.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s hell.”
The mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him just how wrong he is.”
One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “The man I dated today proposed to me.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s hell.”
The mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him just how wrong he is.”
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Star, Will Rogers
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
- Will Rogers (1879-1935)
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Food·Dieting, Groucho Marx
- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
Time flies like an arrow.
- English Proverb
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
[Humor] On the airplane
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
어떤 승객이 비행기에서 꼬마 소녀 옆에 앉아 있었는데 그 승객이 소녀를 돌아보 며 말했다, "이야기 해볼까, 옆자리 승객과 대화를 나누다보면 비행기가 더 빨 리 간다고 들었거든."
막 책을 펼쳤던 그 소녀는 책을 천천히 덮으며 그 승객에게 말했다, "무슨 이야기를 하고 싶으세요?"
그 승객이 말했다, "아, 글쎄.. 원자력에 대해서는 어때?"
소녀가 말했다, "좋아요, 그거 재미있는 화재가 될거예요, 그렇지만 제가 먼저 물어볼게 있어요, 말과, 소와 사슴은 모두 풀, 즉 같은 음식을 먹습니다. 그렇지만, 사슴은 작은 알약같은 똥을 누고, 소는 둥글 넓적한 똥을 누고, 말은 건초 덩어리 똥을 누는데 왜 그렇다고 생각하시죠?"
그 승객은 생각해 보더니 말했다, "흠, 모르겠는데."
그말에 소녀가 대답했다, "아저씨는 똥도 모르면서 진정 원자력을 논할 자격이 있다고 생각하세요?"
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
어떤 승객이 비행기에서 꼬마 소녀 옆에 앉아 있었는데 그 승객이 소녀를 돌아보 며 말했다, "이야기 해볼까, 옆자리 승객과 대화를 나누다보면 비행기가 더 빨 리 간다고 들었거든."
막 책을 펼쳤던 그 소녀는 책을 천천히 덮으며 그 승객에게 말했다, "무슨 이야기를 하고 싶으세요?"
그 승객이 말했다, "아, 글쎄.. 원자력에 대해서는 어때?"
소녀가 말했다, "좋아요, 그거 재미있는 화재가 될거예요, 그렇지만 제가 먼저 물어볼게 있어요, 말과, 소와 사슴은 모두 풀, 즉 같은 음식을 먹습니다. 그렇지만, 사슴은 작은 알약같은 똥을 누고, 소는 둥글 넓적한 똥을 누고, 말은 건초 덩어리 똥을 누는데 왜 그렇다고 생각하시죠?"
그 승객은 생각해 보더니 말했다, "흠, 모르겠는데."
그말에 소녀가 대답했다, "아저씨는 똥도 모르면서 진정 원자력을 논할 자격이 있다고 생각하세요?"
Saturday, May 2, 2015
[Humor] A man and his wife
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .'
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .'
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
[Humor] A man is talking to God.
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
Friday, April 17, 2015
[Humor] New Car for $10
A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars.
A man answered the ad, but he was slightly disbelieving.
"What's the gimmick?" he inquired.
"No gimmick," the woman answered. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary."
A man answered the ad, but he was slightly disbelieving.
"What's the gimmick?" he inquired.
"No gimmick," the woman answered. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary."
Saturday, April 11, 2015
[Humor] Cartwheel
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied: ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy! I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied: ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy! I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
Friday, April 3, 2015
Thursday, April 2, 2015
[Humor] Unless I see...
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry; I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy this.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm.It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
Monday, March 30, 2015
[Humor] Grandmother's funeral
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine ... " the boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Thursday, February 26, 2015
[Humor] Who said ...
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.?
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"
Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
Monday, February 16, 2015
Thursday, January 22, 2015
.jpg)
Monday, January 19, 2015
Education, Evan Esar (1899-1995)
.jpg)
- Evan Esar (1899-1995)
Friday, January 16, 2015
When you want to go someplace...
My two-year-old cousin scared us one summer by disappearing during our lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when we found Matthew playing calmly in the woods.
"Listen to me!" his mother said sharply, "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?"
Matthew thought about that for a moment and said: "Okay, Disney World."
Sunday, January 11, 2015
[Humor] Before it starts...
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)