[Humor] In a bar

In a bar

A man that was drinking all day goes into a bar.
He demands a beer and is denied.
Yet he keeps asking the bartender.

Finally the bartender grabs him and throws him out.
Another man is walking by and the man who was thrown out stops him.
He says, "Hey, I'll bet you 100 dollars that I'm Jesus Christ."

The man walking by laughs at him and says, "Make it 500 dollars and you got yourself a bet."
The man claiming to be Jesus says, "Come with me into this bar and I'll prove it."

So they walk in and sit down at the bar.
Suddenly the bartender comes from the back of the bar and sees the man he threw out.

Angrily the bartender looks toward the man he just threw out and says "Jesus Christ, I told you to stay out of here."
The man walking by looks amazed and pays the man his 500 dollars.

[Humor] Painting

One March day my wife said that the house needed painting.
"It's still winter," I replied. "Forget it."

In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint.

In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer.

As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?"

Glancing up at my wife, I responded, "She doesn't like beer."

[Humor] Camel and Time

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.

One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"

The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw.

He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!"

One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.

He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals.

The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals, Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."

[Humor] A astrologer

[Humor] A astrologer

A medieval Jewish astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later.

The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and commanded him:
"Prophesy, tell me when you will die!"

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave.
"I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."

[Humor] A deaf couple

A deaf couple

A deaf couple check into a motel. They retire early. In the middle of the night, the wife wakes her husband complaining of a headache and asks him to go to the car and get some aspirin from the glove compartment.

Groggy with sleep, he struggles to get up, puts on his robe, and goes out of the room to his car. He finds the aspirin, and with the bottle in hand he turns toward the motel.

But he cannot remember which room is his. After thinking a moment, he returns to the car, places his hand on the horn, holds it down, and waits. Very quickly the motel rooms light up, all but one.

It's his wife's room, of course. He locks up his car and heads toward the room without a light.

[Humor] Beer

A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks.
She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

[Humor] Body

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. all the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss.

So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: you don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.