Birth, Selina Kyle from The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Selina Kyle: You don't get to judge me just because you were born in the master bedroom of Wayne Manor
Bruce Wayne: [interrupting] Actually, I was born in the Regency Room.

- Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle, The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Joke, The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Stryver: Do those heels make it hard to walk?
[Catwoman kicks Stryver from behind]
Catwoman: I don't know, do they?

- Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle / Catwoman, The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Hero, Catwoman from The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

[a couple thugs go to attack Lucius while he's handcuffed. Catwoman intervenes and beats them down]
Lucius Fox: [to Batman] I like your new girlfriend!
Catwoman: [she undoes his cuffs] He should be so lucky.

- Lucius Fox and Selina Kyle / Catwoman, The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

A Blonde and a cell phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She was all excited, she loved her phone. He showed her and explained to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde went shopping. Her phone rang and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he said "how do you like your new phone?"

She replied "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asked the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"

Two friends

Two friends meet on a Miami street. One looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That's not bad."

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket , and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

"Sounds like you should be grateful."

"Last week my great aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

"Then how come you look so glum?"

"This week........ nothing!"

Joke, Groucho Marx as Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush from A Day at the Races (1937)

Flo Marlowe: Oh, hold me closer! Closer! Closer! Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush: If I hold you any closer, I’ll be in back of you!

- Groucho Marx as Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush from A Day at the Races (1937)

Joke, Groucho Marx as Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff from Horse Feathers (1932)

Baravelli: There's a man outside with a big black moustache. Professor Wagstaff: Tell him I've got one.

- Groucho Marx as Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff from Horse Feathers (1932)

Joke, Groucho Marx as Captain Spaulding from Animal Crackers (1930)

Spaulding: How much would you want to run into an open manhole? Ravelli: Just-a the cover charge! Ha, ha, ha. Spaulding: Well, drop in some time.

- Groucho Marx as Capt. Geoffrey T. Spaulding from Animal Crackers (1930)

---

http://www.filmsite.org/anim.html

Communication, the President of Earth from Barbarella (1968)

President: One day, Barbarella, we must meet in the flesh.

- Claude Dauphin as President Dianthus of Earth from Barbarella (1968)

Humor, Terry Cohen

He who laughs last is generally the last to get the joke.

- Terry Cohen

U.K., Colvin R. de Silva

(The sun never sets on the British Empire.) That's because God does not trust the British in the dark.

- Colvin R. de Silva (1907–1987)

U.K., Unknown history student

The sun never sets on the British empire because Britain is in the east and the sun sets in the west.

- Unknown history student

TV, Woody Allen as Alvy Singer from Annie Hall (1977)

[In California]
Annie Hall: It's so clean out here.
Alvy Singer: That's because they don't throw their garbage away, they turn it into television shows.

- Woody Allen as Alvy Singer from Annie Hall (1977)

Humor, John Kenneth Galbraith

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

- John Kenneth Galbraith (1908-2006)

Today I didn't do it!!

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did
I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!!"

A boy and the doorbell

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell.

He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"

The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

4 year old son

Each day when I would come home from work I would drop to my knees and ask my 4 year old son if he wanted to box. I wanted him to learn how to protect himself. We would spar around for a few minutes before supper.

One day my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The shoe salesman was friendly and allowed my son to try on
several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home and he replied, "yes".

The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, "Do you want a box?"

Our son stood up and punched him right on the nose. After grabbing our son we had to spend the next several minutes explaining WHY this happened. Luckily, our salesman was the father of a 4 year old.

Little Emily's stomach hurt

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt.

Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

Blonde and 911

"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.

"Hear what?" I asked, my curiosity peaked.

"The regional vice president died this morning!"

"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"

"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one."

"Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."

"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"He kept yelling at her to 'call 911'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."

Three blondes and a policeman

A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?"

The blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?" He quickly adds, "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."