[Humor] In a bar

In a bar

A man that was drinking all day goes into a bar.
He demands a beer and is denied.
Yet he keeps asking the bartender.

Finally the bartender grabs him and throws him out.
Another man is walking by and the man who was thrown out stops him.
He says, "Hey, I'll bet you 100 dollars that I'm Jesus Christ."

The man walking by laughs at him and says, "Make it 500 dollars and you got yourself a bet."
The man claiming to be Jesus says, "Come with me into this bar and I'll prove it."

So they walk in and sit down at the bar.
Suddenly the bartender comes from the back of the bar and sees the man he threw out.

Angrily the bartender looks toward the man he just threw out and says "Jesus Christ, I told you to stay out of here."
The man walking by looks amazed and pays the man his 500 dollars.

[Humor] Painting

One March day my wife said that the house needed painting.
"It's still winter," I replied. "Forget it."

In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint.

In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer.

As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?"

Glancing up at my wife, I responded, "She doesn't like beer."

[Humor] Camel and Time

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.

One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"

The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw.

He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!"

One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.

He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals.

The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals, Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."

[Humor] A astrologer

[Humor] A astrologer

A medieval Jewish astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later.

The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and commanded him:
"Prophesy, tell me when you will die!"

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave.
"I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."

[Humor] A deaf couple

A deaf couple

A deaf couple check into a motel. They retire early. In the middle of the night, the wife wakes her husband complaining of a headache and asks him to go to the car and get some aspirin from the glove compartment.

Groggy with sleep, he struggles to get up, puts on his robe, and goes out of the room to his car. He finds the aspirin, and with the bottle in hand he turns toward the motel.

But he cannot remember which room is his. After thinking a moment, he returns to the car, places his hand on the horn, holds it down, and waits. Very quickly the motel rooms light up, all but one.

It's his wife's room, of course. He locks up his car and heads toward the room without a light.

[Humor] Beer

A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks.
She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

[Humor] Body

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. all the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss.

So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: you don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.

[Humor] Handbag

A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping.
An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her.

The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."

[Humor] Bananas and a monkey

A black guy and a white man were sitting in the park. The white man had a pet monkey and a black guy was selling bananas.

So the black guy said "Mr. can you look after my bananas I am going to the toilet".

"Oh yes go on ahead" said the white guy.

When the black guy came back there were no more bananas and he is like, "where are my bananas?"

The white guy said, "ask your brother", pointing at his monkey.

The black guy just chilled. Then the white guy said, "can you check out for your brother I am going to the toilet".

The black guy said, "its cool".

When the white guy came back the monkey was dead and he is furious like what happened to my monkey!

The black dude said, "Mr. don't get involved it was a family affair!"

[Humor] A preacher and little Juan

The preacher was most annoyed to find an elderly man falling asleep during his sermon every Sunday.

So, after service one day, he said to little Juan accompaning him, "If you can keep your grandfather awake, I'll pay you a quarter."

This worked for two weeks; the aged man was kept awake and listened to the sermons very attentively.

On the third Sunday, however, the preacher observed that the old man had falled asleep again.

After the Mass, he called Juan and said, "I am very angry with you. Didn't I promise you a quarter a week to keep your grandfather awake?"

"Yes," replied the boy, "but grandpa gives me a dollar not to disturb him."

[Humor] A Norwegian

A Norwegian was about to be a father for the first time.

This was during the soccer World Cup.

His friend visited him and asked him, what if your wife is having the baby the same day we play Brazil in the quarter final?

The guy said, don`t worry, I just bought a VCR, I can watch the birth after the game!

[Humor] A young boy and a motorcycle

A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss the possibility of buying a motorcycle.

His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the motorcycle."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed.

After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the motorcycle. Again they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed seeing as you haven't got your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus Himself had long hair."

To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"

[Humor] A little boy

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.
A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

[Humor] Something that I didn't do

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

[Humor] A little boy and God

One day a little boy asks his mom questions about God.

He goes up to his mother and asks, "Mom, is God boy or girl?"

Not really know what to say the mother just says, "Well, son, he's boy and girl."

So he asks his mother, "Mom, is God black or white?"

Again not really knowing what to say, the mother tells her son, "Well, son, he's black and white."

So the little boy looks at his mother as though he finally understands and says, "Ohhhh, I didn't know that God was Michael Jackson!"

A wise old gentleman

A wise old gentleman

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freaking' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

[Humor] Creditor

Creditor An American couple is flying to New Zealand for a two-week vacation to celebrate their anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I have very bad news. Our engines have ceased to function and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an island below us we should be able to land on the beach. However, we may never be rescued.” Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely. An hour later, the man turns to his wife and asks, “Did we pay our credit cards?” “No, I forgot to do that.” Then the man grabs her and gives her a big kiss. “They’ll find us!”

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

[Humor] Atheist

Atheist

One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “The man I dated today proposed to me.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s hell.”

The mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him just how wrong he is.”

Star, Will Rogers

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

- Will Rogers (1879-1935)